


jesus christ 2005 god bless america

by tumemxnques



Category: The 1975 (Band)
Genre: Drug Use, Heartbreak, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tumemxnques/pseuds/tumemxnques
Summary: i'm in love with a boy i knowbut that's a feeling i can never show.
Relationships: George Daniel/Matthew Healy
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	jesus christ 2005 god bless america

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: ALCOHOL/DRUG ABUSE, SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
> 
> back with another matty/george fanfic :) also a sad one, god, they need to stop writing sad songs. the line i'm using in this song broke my heart when i heard it so i had to write about it. i actually let some personal trauma influence this, so i'm sorry if it's confusing at some point.
> 
> let me know if you would like a part two where matty tells george the truth. 
> 
> also, if someone has a certain idea or prompt they would like to suggest, please feel free to leave it in the comments, i'm thankful for every inspiration i can get during quarantine.
> 
> stay safe, enjoy!

**i'm in love, but i'm feeling low**

**for i am just a footprint in the snow**

**i'm in love with a boy i know**

**but that's a feeling i can never show**

They were just teenagers when Matty realised there was something different about George. Or more precisely, about how George made him feel. It was the way his heart would drop when he saw him first thing in the morning, or how it would race when he gave him a strong hug. It was the way his eyes sparkled when he looked up at George, determined to do anything for this boy. It was the way only George laughed, making Matty feel all warm inside. It was the way Matty stumbled over words when he talked about George and blushed heavily when people became suspicious. It was the way he got jealous when he realised George liked a girl. He got all anxious and angry and above all terrified of losing his friend. 

It was a Friday night when things went terribly wrong. A small get together at Adam's house, nothing special. Ross was there, and George brought his new crush along. Matty felt sick the moment he saw her. She was gorgeous, almost perfect, and Matty felt tears burning in his eyes. He felt like he couldn't breathe all of a sudden, like all the oxygen had left the room. She was pretty and he was not. Of course George would prefer a girl like that over him. He grabbed the bottle of red wine from Adam's cupboard and took a generous swig. Then he went outside to where the others were sitting around the fireplace by now and shyly squeezed into the small empty space next to George. "Hey," George whispered, a small smile playing around his lips, and gave Matty's thigh a soft squeeze with the hand that didn't hold the girl's. Matty bit his lip and swatted the hand away. "Hi." The spot where George's fingers had been felt like it was burning. It hurt to see the girl so intimate with George, because it had been them who had been close, cuddling at Adam's fireplace, holding hands. Matty hated this feeling and decided to numb it. It wasn't long until the bottle was empty and he was drunk. Adam seemed concerned, but Ross told him he shouldn't worry too much. He had been keeping an eye on Matty lately, although the other boy hadn't noticed, and he would intervene if it got dangerous. Matty's mind was hazy by now, and he could swear the fire was rotating. Somewhere that sounded so incredibly far away, he could hear George faintly laughing. He looked at him and tried to focus, when he realized that George was kissing the girl's cheek. Suddenly, he could see clearly, the pang of jealousy in his chest sobering him up harshly. "God," he spat, "I need another bottle of wine if I have to witness this." He rolled his eyes and got up, when George's hand shot up and grabbed his wrist forcefully. "Cut it, Matty," he hissed, his eyebrows raised warningly. But Matty pulled his hand out of his friend's grasp and ground his teeth. "Hop off my dick, George," he shot back, but felt his heart clench again when the literal meaning of his statement got to him. "What the fuck is your problem lately, man?" George asked, almost begging for an answer. "Nothing," Matty mumbled, looking down at his feet. "No, don't lie to me," George pleaded, but Matty shook his head. "Just let me get my wine, okay?" He looked up, meaning to look into George's eyes, but caught the girl's eyes instead, who was staring at him with a big frown on her stupidly perfect face. "Stop staring, you dumb bitch," Matty spat, making her flinch and look away. "Matthew!" George shouted and jumped to his feet. "What the fuck is the matter with you?" He grabbed Matty's wrist again, his grip twice as tight as before. Matty tried to pull back, but had to suppress a whimper when he realized he couldn't without hurting himself. He stared into George's face, but tears started blurring his vision again. Before he could collect himself, the tears were already running over his cheeks. They were big and round, and bitter. A sob escaped his throat and George's facial expression softened, so did his hold on Matty's wrist. "Hey, hey, Matty, it's okay, hey," he mumbled and wiped Matty's tears away, that were immediately replaced by a thousand more. "Okay, come on, let's get you away from here. Let's go talk," he whispered and brought Matty to the other end of the garden. They sat down on the grass and Matty sniffled. "What is going on, Matty, talk to me," George mumbled softly and ruffled his dark curls lightly. Matty bit his lip, another flood of tears escaping. "I can't, Georgie," he sobbed barely above a whisper, defeated and so incredibly broken. "I just can't." George sighed. "I saw the cuts, Matty. I just wanna help you." Matty bit his lip. He'd tried to hide them from his friends as long as he could. When he received no answer, George groaned in annoyance. "We're supposed to be best mates, Matty."  _ Yeah, and nothing more than that.  _ "You used to tell me anything. What has changed?"  _ I fell in love with you.  _ "Where did I go wrong?"  _ Not you, I.  _ "It's not your fault, George," Matty murmured. Then, something inside him changed. "Not every goddamn thing is about you, okay?" He didn't want to raise his voice at George, but he just felt so angry again, because he felt so helpless. "What the fuck, Matty?" George snapped. "So apparently, you can't be honest with me anymore, yes?" Matty groaned. "No, George, that's not it-" - "Alright," George said and got up. "You know, it's been so exhausting with you around lately. One day you are the most clingy person I've ever met and then the next you're so distant I don't even feel like I know you anymore. It hurts, Matty, you know?" Matty's head shot up at that. "What?" he whispered, his bottom lip trembling. "You're not the only one hurting here," George said quietly. "And it's mostly your fault I'm hurting." Matty whimpered quietly. "I didn't mean to, Georgie, believe me. Hurting you is something I would never do on purpose!" But his friend just shook his head. "You know, my mum told me that when people hurt you too much, you have to let go. I think we've reached this point, Matty." Matty jumped to his feet and grabbed George's hands. "George, no, please, Georgie!" But the taller boy just shook his head. Matty screamed in agony and fell to his knees. "Please, Georgie!" he wailed, like a kid, and desperately clung to the pair of jeans his friend was wearing. "Please, George, don't leave me!" But George stepped back. "Come back to me when you can act like a normal person again. Or finally tell me the truth." Then he left Matty crying in the grass, said goodbye to Adam and Ross and took his girlfriend home. That night, Matty cut deeper than he ever had before and got higher than he'd ever been in his life to numb the pain that was raging like a fire in his chest. It didn't work. 

**i'm in love with a boy i know**

**but that's a feeling i can never show**

Even after they had found their way back together again, Matty couldn't stop feeling more than friendship towards George. He tried to stay calm and not let it show, but he had so many other problems he could barely hold everything together. He had been turning to hard drugs for a while now, and he knew that George knew, but George also knew he couldn't stop him. Matty was stubborn, and if he had to do something, he had to want it himself. He had tried to stop before, but the pain without it was unbearable. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't stand to be awake. Surprisingly, he had been able to function without any powder for a while now, which made both him and George proud. But tonight, George was out on a date with a girl Matty didn't know, and it made his heart shatter. He wanted to be the one George was taking out on a date. He would smell like women's perfume later, when he would slip under the covers and take Matty into his arms - if he even bothered to come home. Matty sat on the bathroom floor crying, staring at the ceiling. His heart was broken, he was broken. He needed help, he knew it, and goddamnit, he needed to talk to George about his feelings towards him. But he couldn't, he just couldn't, he was so afraid of losing him again. What if he freaked out? What if he moved out? What if he told everyone and just left? This time, he thought, he wouldn't be able to make it. If George left again, that would be his end. He had used too much, Matty realized, but he couldn't be bothered to freak out. It was fine, he wouldn't die, but it didn't have any sort of the wanted effect on him anymore. After staring at the wall for an eternity, he heard the front door open.  _ George,  _ he thought, the footsteps unmistakably his. "Matty?" the man asked quietly, but Matty couldn't answer. He suddenly felt so tired and cold, and closed his eyes with a soft sigh. He heard George shuffle in the bedroom, probably taking his jacket off, before he heard the bathroom door open with a soft click. He didn't see George's face, of course not, but the gasp he let out said it all. "Matty!" George breathed and fell to his knees next to his friend. Matty felt his strong arms pull him in and the next moment he was able to bury his face in George's strong, warm chest. The scent calmed him down, and he realized with relief that George smelled like himself. He didn't get too close to the girl. Matty felt like his arms weighed more than a thousand rocks, but he lifted them anyway and wrapped them lazily around George's torso. "Matty," his friend whispered and buried his face in the boy's untamed curls. Matty was warm and sweating and George had to close his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, he scanned the room for whatever was running through Matty's system right now. His gaze landed on a little baggie under the sink, bits of white powder still inside of it. He felt tears rise in the back of his throat and pressed Matty closer. Cocaine? Heroin? George didn't know. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to know. "Why, Matty?" The boy in his arms was starting to shiver now, pressing more into his embrace. "It just hurts so much, Georgie. So, so much. I want it to stop. I want all of it to stop." George bit his lip. "What, Matty?" A little hiccup escaped his friend, before he answered quietly. "My heart, my mind. All of it." George couldn't hold back the tears anymore. He was trying so hard, but nothing seemed to help his best friend. "But you've been doing okay these last few weeks, what happened?" he whimpered, loosening his embrace a little. Matty whined under his breath in response, burying his face deeper in George's shirt.  _ You went out with a girl. You left me alone. You're getting a new girlfriend. And I'll lose you. I'll be alone again. Just like back then.  _ But he didn't answer. "I shouldn't have left," George mumbled bitterly. Matty knew it was unfair not to protest, but he couldn't bring himself to care right now. He wanted George to himself, as selfish as that sounded. "I just wish you would tell me what's bothering you, Matty. I wanna help you. It kills me to see you like that." Matty shook his head lightly. "I can't, George," he whispered into the tear-soaked fabric. "You can talk to me about anything, Matty," George tried again, but in response, Matty just let go of his waist and looked up at him. His face was red and tear-stained, his bottom lip bitten bloody. "I can't, George. Maybe someday. But not now. Please, you have to understand. Please." His voice sounded thin as he begged. George took his hand and cupped his face with the other, wiping the tears away with his thumb. Matty closed his eyes with a sigh, leaning into the touch. George trailed lower and softly wiped the blood away, before he pressed a kiss to Matty's forehead and nodded. "Alright." Matty's eyes fluttered open and he looked at his friend with so much adoration in his eyes, George could've sworn his heart was about to burst. "Can you just hold me?" Matty asked so quietly, George wasn't sure if he had actually said something. But when Matty reached out for him, he nodded and pulled him in. He held him on his lap, pressing his head into his chest. "I'm here," he whispered into Matty's ear. "It's okay. You're safe." And Matty just silently cried, his face hidden from George's worried eyes. And his heart shattered all over again, because  _ fuck, I am so in love with you, and you can never know.  _


End file.
